Middle Earth Soccer Continues! Mordor v Mirkwood
by EvilReceptionistOfDoom
Summary: It's the second match of the quarterfinals, and the old rivalries are going strong... Will the orcs learn to manage their anger? How many red cards can one player actually recieve? Is the goal still legal if the player who makes it is dead?
1. Pregame

The World Cup may be over (Viva Italia!), but.  
LotR Football Continues 

PREGAME

"Greetings to all our listeners and welcome to the second quarterfinal match of the 2760 Arda Cup tournament! We're here at the Gladden Fields Soccer Stadium to witness what is sure to be an exciting match. I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"

"-and I'm Athonin Merrypus, and I must say, the weather is certainly bright today! It's 96 degrees F here with 75 percent humidity. The players are going to have to show some serious stamina today, especially the orcs, who are particularly susceptible to sun-burn among the races."

"Today's match pits two of the finer national teams against each other: Mordor and Mirkwood. One will proceed to the semifinals against Rohan; the other will not, nor, if historic matches are any indicator, will it proceed anywhere under its own power again - that is to say, one team may not survive this match. Let's look at the situation so far."

"Well, Bret, Mirkwood's being playing spectacularly this year, easily beating every team in its starting group, including the formidable Far Harad team, and after shutting out Lonely Mountain four-naught on Saturday, they're looking in a good position to get past Mordor's offense alive, which is more than could be said for Rhun, which lost more than half their starting lineup to Mordor's Gorf and Throknor, who were both red-carded several times over for the offense and will not be seen again in this tournament."

"That was quite a game! Thursday's second round match between the orcs and the Easterlings also resulted in the death of a spectator and the hospitalization of three others after the infuriated Mordor coach Florb went on a rampage in the stands. He too has been red-carded and is under review by MEFA to have his coaching licence revoked."

"As well he should be - this is the third fan-injury incident Florb has initiated in the past eight months, and the second fatality. Obviously this orc has got some serious anger-management problems."

"This year's Mordor team is also particularly aggressive, but Mirkwood doesn't seem phased. In an interview yesterday Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion announced that, and I quote, 'If the yrchs try any funny business we've got archers hiding in the crowd to take them down before they know what's hit them. Just fair warning.' This remark has motivated MEFA to forbid spectators from bringing weapons into the stadium for this match only, and those who refuse to check their illegal gear are being turned away."

"But I see the officials are perfectly fine with the PLAYERS bringing weapons into the stadium! Ridiculous."

"I thought we agreed not to bring that up again?"

"Honestly, Bret, I don't know what you're talking about. Please try to stay focused on your commentating."

"Why y-"

"Because it bores our listeners, that's why. I personally look forward to seeing Mirkwood keeper Beriadan Lastelle play in this his fiftieth Arda Cup - a golden anniversary for a golden goalie. And the players are coming onto the pitch. Our referee is again one of the two lesser-known Istari, Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuschia Accents, who generally goes by the name Hey You... to avoid confusion, you know."

"Rondafunk's generally regarded as the most placid ref in Middle Earth, mainly because he's deaf. But we're going to need a pretty unflappable person to call this match, I'd expect. And he's bringing the ball onto the field..."

((Stay tuned...))


	2. First Half of First Half

((NOTE. So, this, for those of you still paying attention after so long, is not even the full first half. Why? Because I accidentally overwrote the later file with the earlier, shorter one, and so doing lost a huge, invaluable chunk of play. So. I've been in a not-real-comical mood these days, so no real prospectus on when this thing'll be done... yeah... Read "Bride of Morgoth"! And write reviews or I'll NEVER finish this, bluh.))

FIRST HALF

"...and now the kickoff. Vicious scramble for the ball - Ture Turelion's down - Moogrug's down - and Galdras Luendesse has it! He runs it down the pitch - passes to Eiros Swiftlight, Mirkwood's fastest player - and he's down the field like a speeding eagle! Mordor's Mork in pursuit-"

"Mork's not fast enough to catch him! But Mordor's defence is ready-"

"Swiftlight dodges them all! But can he get past Muggflump, the 'Killer Keeper'? He's going to try for it!"

"Eiros takes a shot - Muggflump deflects it with the tips of his fingers! What a save!"

"And now the other players have caught up - the orcs are mobbing Swiftlight-"

"-and don't notice Muggflump's goal kick to Nockumded, who's immediately overtaken by Daradan Suiauthon. Suiauthon to Ture, who's back on his feet, albeit limping. Moogrug's not looking much better..."

"Ture kicks it to Luendesse, who kicks it in-"

"No goal! Muggflump pounces on it and stops the ball just outside the line. He throws it to Smarsh, who passes to Grarg on the other end of the pitch-"

"Intercepted! Tyalagan the Minstrel takes the ball and passes to Malsigil Maethor-"

"-but Grarg gets to it first! Back to Smarsh."

"Tyalagan goes for it- but Smarsh isn't going to let him have it! OH! The Minstrel's down! Smarsh goes for the goal - he's in the box-"

"-and Aredon Ionwe comes streaking out of left field and steals the ball! He kicks it to Swiftlight-"

"-who kicks it to Galdras-"

"-who is kicked in the shin by Lorgnutz in an attempt on the orc's part to get the ball, but thanks to his mithril greaves Luendesse looks unphased - he takes a shot-"

"Wide! Throw-in for Mordor..."

((...and here your author stupidly failed to save the game properly and accidentally deleted a huge bit of it. Yeah, sucks for me. I'm telling you, this thing will never never never be finished, alas alas alas. But you should still write reviews.))


	3. Second Half of First Half

((Okay okay okay! I have no desire to be strangled, other of mystories notwithstanding! Here, here it is. Write reviews. :D ))

FIRST HALF, umm, continued...

"And it's right to Luendesse, who looks surprised - he heads it towards the goal-"

"The 'Killer Keeper' catches it! He's going to throw it in... ahem, eventually..."

"Muggflump's certainly taking his time..."

"No, Muggflump's taking aim! He chucks it at Swiftlight's head, the elf ducks just in time-"

"-and the ball hits Mork right in the nose! He's DOWN! And the orcs are pissed - they're all over Eiros - he's got a sword out and is desperately fending them off-"

"-and meanwhile Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion has the ball and is running it into the box!"

"The Mordor keeper's not in the goal! Muggflump's joined the fight! I can't BELIEVE this!"

"Calion nudges the ball in! GOAL! Point for Mirkwood!"

"Athonin, are you watching this! Mordor doesn't even notice! And now the elves are going to their team-mate's aid - this is an all-out BRAWL!"

"By the Valar, I must say I agree, and I am thoroughly appalled. Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuschia Accents is ordering them to stop, but no one seems to be paying attention. And it looks like Mordor's Krull is down - Rondafunk's running onto the field, blowing his whistle like mad - the elves are backing off... And the ref's got his staff out - now the orcs are withdrawing, too. Eiros appears to be clutching his side... I see blood! See, now-"

"Yes, that's definitely blood. Medics are coming to escort Swiftlight and Krull off the field. The latter seems to have a large gash across his face, which also would appear to be bleeding-"

"Yes, and this is a prime example-"

"You know, this hostility is really not surprising, considering the ancient hatred the elves and orcs have for each other. The last time Mordor and Mirkwood met in an Arda Cup match was in 2492, almost 300 years ago, the result was a draw after both teams fell into a serious skirmish and all players were either killed or injured too severely to continue the match. This of course posed a great problem for the tournament officials, as it was, like this, a quarterfinal match, and it seemed unfair to give the loser of one of the other quarterfinal games a second chance without doing so for the rest of the losers, but in the end a tourney-like setting was achieved, with-"

"Bret."

"What?"

"Shut up. There's been a long pause while myriad wounds are treated, and after deliberating Rondafunk has decided not to card any of the players due to inability to narrow it down to just one or two instigators of the ...altercation. Aethros Manasil is coming in for Swiftlight, who's being rushed to hospital before he bleeds to death-"

"Manasil's known for his uncanny agility in avoiding defenders, which should be useful in this match especially. And Krull's been patched up - he's going to continue playing despite an apparent concussion, mainly because Mordor's substitute players are not anywhere around."

"Seems awfully fishy to me-"

"Yes, many things seem fishy to you, don't they, Merrypus? ...And the game's back on. Lorgnutz has the ball - passes to Shorp - passes to Doris-"

"Doris heads it to Moogrug, but Moogrug's still a bit woozy from that encounter at the start of the match, and the ball is easily intercepted by Tyalagan the Minstrel-"

"-and easily retaken by Ripper 'The Ripper', who shoves the Minstrel out of his way and kicks it to Smarsh, who runs for the Mirkwood goal-"

"What was that! That was a yellow card, at least! What, is Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan with Fuschia Accents BLIND!"

"No, Merrypus, he's deaf. Smarsh to Mordor captain Groshmok, who shoots- BLOCKED! Beriadan Lastelle is definitely on his game today!"

"What do you expect from the twelve-time winner of the Lairion Haerion Good Goalkeeping Trophy? The fans are just going crazy!"

"Many people have come to this match just to see Lastelle play. Smarsh takes a shot - beautiful block by Beriadan! Just BEAUTIFUL!"

"Groshmok's getting angry - and impatient. With just ten minutes left in the first half and Mirkwood up by one, he's feeling the pressure to score... He tries for it-"

"No goal! Lastelle catches the ball - and it'll be a goal kick. He just rockets that thing three-quarters down the pitch - RIGHT to Authrom Orondo, who fakes a shot and passes to Malsigil Maethor, who again fakes, dodges Doris and passes to Tasael the Foolish, who shoots - too wide! Mordor throw-in."

"We're on added time now, of which there's quite a bit, thanks to that fiasco earlier-"

"Frankly, I'd say Tasael's epithet is an apt one - he ought to have passed to Ture Turelion, who was wide open."

"Nockumded's got the ball - now Grarg - Grarg kicks it to Krull, who tries to take it downfield-"

"Looks like that putative concussion's affecting him - the orc can't seem to run in a straight line-"

"And Daradan Suiauthon's got the ball! He's racing for Mordor's goal - less than a minute remaining!"

"Daradan kicks it to Turelion - this is his chance! He shoots-"

"NO GOAL! The ball BOUNCES off the CROSSBAR! Great Ulmo!"

"Tasael takes a shot, but it's too late, there's the whistle. And it's Mirkwood one, Mordor zero at the end of the first half. I'm Bretmyrtl Kanithion-"

"-and I'm - wait, we already introduced ourselves, Bret. Join us for the second half of this second quarterfinal match of the Arda Cup after these messages from our sponsors..."


	4. First Half of Second Half

((**Note to those of you still paying attention after the many years between the first bit and now:** Hello! I promise I will post the rest of the game by Monday! I was overseas and couldn't work on anything, but now I'm back and I wrote this very long chapter to make up for the extended leave... Please show me you're still paying attention! I promise I'll finish! Wait! Come back! NOOOOO!))

****

_**SECOND HALF**_

"Welcome back to the Gladden Fields after that lengthy break, where the sun is high and the stadium sweltering!"

"-and the commentators' box-"

"The score is 1-0 Mirkwood, but neither team shows any sign of mellowing in the second half."

"Quite the contrary - I'd say the competition should be heating up, as the weather has since the game began this morning. Are you sure the AC is on, Athonin?"

"Yes, Bret, I told you five times already... And Mirkwood has the ball!"

"Aredon Ionwe runs it downfield, but he doesn't get far! Grarg's got it, passes to Nockumded, who runs into the box and takes a shot-"

"Blocked! Lastelle catches it and tosses to Manasil, who slips around Doris and Krull - who isn't looking too good. Why doesn't Mordor put in a sub?"

"Dunno. Ripper's racing for Aethros- he takes a flying leap- Manasil kicks to Luendesse just in time- he's been tackled pretty hard. Ripper's getting up... Manasil isn't."

"RED CARD! RED CARD! WHERE IS THAT CURSED REF!"

"Nevermind, Manasil's on his feet - he looks a little woozy, but still serviceable."

"Are you kidding me! He can hardly stand!"

"Meanwhile Luendesse's got the ball and is running it towards the box. He passes to Ture Turelion-"

"Intercepted by Lorgnutz-"

"Turelion's having none of it! He and Lorgnutz tussle- the ball gets away- Turelion's got a knife- Lorgnutz has what looks like a meat cleaver-"

"Orondo gets the ball, pursued by Shorp and Doris-"

"TURELION STABS LORGNUTZ! NO! LORGNUTZ STABBED TURE TURELION! OR WHATEVER YOU DO WITH A MEAT CLEAVER! WHAT!"

"Great Ulmo, they're both down! The fans are on their feet screaming in outrage-"

"-or bloodthirstiness-"

"-and Rondafunk- Hey You- is- where is he! Napping! NAPPING on the sidelines! Efforts to wake him have failed, due to his lack of hearing ability-"

"Meanwhile Authrom Orondo has made it to the end of the pitch, passes to Malsigil Maethor, who takes a shot- NO GOAL-"

"Medical personnel are trying to get to Lorgnutz and Turelion, but it appears that the two are still fighting-"

"Calion intercepts the ball, but has no one nearby to pass to as Orondo is occupied defending himself from Shorp and Doris-"

"Blood all over the field- oh, Valar, I can hardly bear to watch-"

"Groshmok is in a skirmish with Maethor, while Daradan Suiauthon has run to Authrom's aid - and Calion is dodging Mork and Grarg, who seem determined to take him down - he takes a shot!"

"AH! GOOD YAVANNA!"

"GOAL! The Killer Keeper has been SHOT! He's taken down by an arrow from the stands before he can block the ball!"

"Rondafunk's finally awake - he's sounded a time-out-"

"Muggflump isn't moving - Calion's keeping Mork at bay with his sword while the medics examine Mordor's goalie - he's exchanging words with the Beigey-Tan with Fuschia Accents Wizard... I wonder if this has anything to do with the Mirkwood captain's threat to place archers in the stands?"

"In the stands, Bret! A ruckus seems to have broken out among the spectators - it looks like the Mordor subs, who have been absent throughout the game-"

"They're fighting with what appears to be an Elvish archer! Folks, this would appear to be the culprit behind the slaying of Mordor keeper Muggflump- and the Orcs are dragging him down the bleachers to the pitch-"

"Meanwhile the discussion between the ref and Mirkwood captain Camdras Calion appears to have grown more hostile, especially since Mordor captain Groshmok got involved... Now Calion's shouting at Groshmok... the orc's shouting back... he's pulled a knife!"

"Hey You's not going to allow THAT kind of behaviour! He's got his staff out - he's yelling at Groshmok... the Mordor captain appears to be backing off..."

"OH! Oh, oh NO! The ref looked away and Groshmok jumped Calion and cut his throat!"

"Flash of light- I can't-"

"What just happened!"

"It looks like Rondafunk's stunned Groshmok-"

"RED CARD! About TIME!"

"It looks like Calion's not dead- they're running him off the pitch-"

"Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan's turned his attention to the Lorgnutz-Turelion scuffle now. Ture, unlike his captain, does appear deceased-"

"They're wrapping him in a shroud and taking him off the field. I think that's a pretty good sign he's dead, Merrypus-"

"Which is a further reason why weapons should be DISALLOWED-"

"Lorgnutz, too, doesn't look like he'll be moving again. Well, that saves the trouble of trying to figure out which party to card."

"Bret, will you let me speak? This is just yet another-"

"And the Orc extras have got the arrow-shooter onto the field - they're shouting and gesticulating angrily to Rondafunk, who seems not to hear them-"

"-because he's deaf, Bret, like some people I know-"

"Now they're pointing at the assassin, who looks a little worse-for-wear-"

"-I'll say-"

"-and Rondafunk's saying something back - stadium security is on the way-"

"-and another medic-"

"Folks, this is really something else. In all my time as a commentator, I haven't seen a goalie killed by someone off-field since the 2638 match between Hobbiton United and Bree FC when a pair of young halflings having a watermelon-seed-spitting contest accidentally spat their seeds with enough force to drive them into the vocal passage of Bree's keeper, who was shouting an obscenity at the time and who subsequently choked."

"Why would you share such a disgusting anecdote?"

"Because the fans enjoy it."

"How do you know?"

"How else am I supposed to occupy the lull in play? Would you prefer I sing?"

"No, Bret. At any rate, the archer has been escorted from the stadium and the injured taken to hospital, and substitutions have been made: in for Lorgnutz is Sharlak, Guttum replaces Muggflump, Celeblas Silverleaf is in for Calion, Noshbosh will be playing for Krull-"

"-about time they took him out-"

"-and Alastar the Merciless for Turelion. Mordor has one less man, thanks to their team captain's antics, but as Aethros Manasil has yet to recover entirely from Ripper's tackle earlier this half, we'll see how much of an advantage this actually gives Mirkwood. Neither team has any substitutions remaining."

"And play's begun again! We're on stoppage time now, but thanks to the activity earlier there's fully twenty minutes left, so this match is far from over! And Manasil has the ball!"


	5. Second Half of Second Half

((Ah, it's been so long! What, three years, four, ten? I dunno. Lost count. But, hey, today's Monday, so there you go! Didn't say WHICH Monday I was gonna update by...

Read! Review! Enjoy! Am sorry it isn't as funny as the last bit! Next match, if ever it is written, which it will be in another document at some point in the future, I swear it, will be better. Honest.))

SECOND HALF CONTINUED

"Aethros runs it down the pitch - kicks to Ionwe, who passes to Luendesse, who runs for the Mordor goal-"

"Intercepted! Guttum has the ball-"

"Passes to Mork - to Grarg - to Nockumded - to Smarsh, who's racing down the pitch-"

"OO! THAT'S gotta hurt!"

"Smarsh smashed right into the Mirkwood goalpost - the ball's loose - throw in for Mirkwood-"

"Daradan Suiauthon tosses it to Silverleaf, who heads it to Ionwe-"

"Aredon dodges past Ripper - and Ripper lunges! You'd think they'd have learned not to-"

"Ionwe and the Ripper are on the ground- both have their hands on the ball- and it looks like Ripper has bitten Ionwe's hand! Rondafunk the Beigey-Tan is blowing his whistle-"

"-finally he notices something-"

"Yellow card!"

"YELLOW? He bit him! What if he's got rabies?!"

"They haven't got rabies in Middle Earth, Merrypus. For Yavanna's sake..."

"And another skirmish appears to have broken out near the Mirkwood goal!"

"Nockumded has been kicking the ball in and out of the goal throughout this time, while the elves are looking after their fallen player, and now as the Golden Goalie returns to the box, Nockumded is blocking his entry to the goal."

"Oh dear, Lastelle's drawn his sword-"

"He's being joined by Celeblas Silverleaf and Alastar the Merciless, Mirkwood's two freshest players- and both are armed. For those who don't know, Alastar earned his epithet by angrily killing an opponent who had stuffed the ball under his hauberk, and then kicking the body, ball and all, into the enemy keeper for a a game-winning goal. Can't wait to see him go up against this year's Mordor team-"

"Nockumded's shouting for aid! The remainder of the orcs are running down the pitch-"

"The elves are right behind them-"

"This is going to be bad... Is that cursed wizard even paying attention?! They might as well have a cave-troll for referee!"

"Except I doubt a cave troll could handle the subtle nuance of blowing a whistle, and anyhow he might eat the players- And that's it! Time has been called, just as things were about to get really interesting! Oh well - there should be more fun in the next match, between Ered Mithuin - the dragons - and the Shire. It'll be roast hobbit tomorr-"

"-and we've just been informed that the second of Mirkwood's points is being challenged, thanks to interference from the stands - though I don't know why they bother. Mordor hasn't been able to score a single point all game."

"The challenge has been denied. Apparently there's already been precendent set, when a freak lightning storm hit the Fangorn goalie in 2240, causing him to lose track of the ball and the opposing team to score the winning goal-"

"You needn't burn the audience's ears off, Bret. And that's Mirkwood 2-0! Join us next time for-"

"Wait, Ath! Smarsh is shouting something at the referee- the other Mordor players have joined him- and it looks like Groshmok, who was red-carded earlier for attempting to bleed Camdras Calion 'like a stuck pig', as the orcs like to say, is rising from the bench"

"OH! NO! I can't look- Oh Valar, I feel faint- Oh, oh oh oh-"

"GROSHMOK HAS KILLED RONDAFUNK THE BEIGEY-TAN WITH FUSCHIA ACCENTS! Stadium security are racing to the scene, aided by the remainder of the Mirkwood players and a good deal of the crowd - people are pouring out of the stands and my fellow announcer appears to have fainted! If Hey You has indeed been killed, this will be the first death of a referee since Saruman the Grey was gutted by a warg, before warg teams were outlawed from the Arda Cup for a preponderance of unruly behaviour, which of course caused him to become Saruman the White, as you will probably know him today."

"Uhhhhhh..."

"And the orcs appear to have been gotten under control- they are being bound and led away, amid a frenzied crowd. And that's all the time we have for today! Join us next time for the third quarterfinal match of the 2760 Arda Cup - dragons versus hobbits!"

((There you have it. Said I'd write it, didn't I? REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW))


	6. FYI, again

Hey y'all! The next match is its own story. That's all. Just making sure you know.


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